thoughts

hi to each and everyone out there. its my first time here. hope to meet people around. everyone is welcome to comment, share thoughts and feelings, opinions, criticisms, ideas...

im twenty eight years old.. in my life right now .. i cannot decribe it. me.. what i have.. what im looking for.. all i know is i feel like a dead meat.. frozen cold.. tough.. dry.. empty.. lifeless.. how i wish days are just different running from work to room in a environment surrounded by cruel, judgmental and untrustful, concern less people..

how i wish my life will change and stil there is hope left for me...

im a girl.. as a person i could consider still my self to have a pure heart.. twenty years i've spent giving my life to people whom i thought loved me and care for me but in the end i was wrong... betrayed by own family.. own blood.. i just suffer too much.. and from this little by little .. life fades.

im the type of person whom i could describe simple.. but even a simple person.. i lived a complicated life.. or should i say that fate gave those things to me .. to make up the person that iam right now. if it is destiny...

memories of my existence wil flow starting my childhood.. as they say a person's first seven years of life are the things that are not forgotten.. all i could remember is that i was bought up in a tough way with all the expectations from what i so called before family.. i learned to be independent, responsible all the time.. pre school years are defined as going here to there for "home".. we dont have a house of our own so i grew up with no permanent address in my school records and for each and every year i wil just modify my address ranging from apartments or relatives house.. my mom is a teacher and my dad an engineer.. what they got is what we have in the life.. i remember i dont have the nicest clothes or what is in an one time at this age i told my dad to buy me the l.a. gear rubbershoe thats hot for 5 year old girl like me at that moment and he told me to be contented for what ive got and not to be jealous of what other people have.. at home my mom trained me for everything.. cleaning studying all things right and proper. i remember she wil hit my hand with a hanger or stick when i cannot do my writing worksheet well an my pen is dat one which you cannot erase (use for highlighting like an eyeliner) may be if there is one thing im not expert of is cooking.. because when it comes to this aspect my mom is the one in charge..

i love my family.. i have three siblings excluding myself.. next to me is my only brother.. im six years older than him.. our relationship is undefinable because when he is growing up.. im grown up already.. i wil see him.. diaper change.. toys.. then we dont have much time because im studying.. how i miss my brother.. i miss to be an elder sister to him.. sending him to school and fetching him.. one time i remember he is hungry and he ask me to buy food and only i have 20 pesos enough for our fare.. its just a good thing prices are cheap and so i manage to buy him something.. then at times no one wil pick him from his classes when its already dismissal time and i bring him in my class and he'll sit there nd fell asleep..

my tears are starting to fall reminiscing everything.. how i wish i could return to those times and live there forever.. even though life is tough i learned to be contented happy strive to have a better life.. i wil be an honor student every school year.. i guess my parents are proud when they are going to the stage placing ribbon on me or medal every commencement exercise or recognition day. i tried to be the best that i can be in each and every point of ME.. mind body heart and soul.. then i can go to the other side of the super highway at the age of eight.. alone.. with all these big vehicles passing by.. i commute alone in the jeep going to school an hour away from home at the age of five because no one to be with me.. (my uncle just instructed the driver me to drop me =)). to the point of seling newspapers before school at the age of nine because of financial crisis.. but im happy.. because my family is whole.. even if we dont have anything in the life.. we are together surviving each day no matter what...

then comes the summer vacation when i was grade five in primary school.. that time we are set in my mom's parents house because as again.. no permanent address.. we are fixing the home because the "beloved" king of the house will return after leaving his second wife and will be reunited to my grandmom (well i dont know how the hell long they have not been together but he's back for "good").. all i can remember from him is the worst.. we live there and i was like placed in a military detachment standing with my commanders orders.. each should be trim and proper.. school days no tv only during friday night and whole saturday.. dress in the cabinets.. files.. books in shelves should be all orderly.. even sleeper should be matched and aligned.. the garden no leaves falling from the tree should be seen on the ground.. the glass and sofa should be dust free.. marmol lined floor should be shining and reflecting.. eating should be silent and after.... utensils should be properly placed (after use in the plate).. its all tolerable but it affected my whole life.. personality maybe .. and character.. when hes calling me i cant stop but feel nervous .. palpitations.. tachycardia.. im afraid i have done something wrong and he will punish me not physically but through words which cuts me and leave me bleeding from within because of humiliation.. fear..

the worst of it is that me and my bro only are the ones among his grandchildren whom he treated like that and tasted his wrath.. for the children of my uncles and aunts just normal or you could say special.. i dont know if he wanted to torture us or what he is thinking about us because my mom is the most poor among her kids, nothing in life, blacksheep of the family, go stow away with my father at the age of seventeen..  and thats why we depend on them for shelter and i dont know the dealings for electricity or food but i swear to god everything we took we paid or maybe they are the ones in debt with us specially me for wat i got from him which left its mark forever.. treatment is more than a maid maybe and you leave your life in fear..

next thing i had from him happened wen i was eleven years old the time im blossoming as a teen..puberty age... appearance of breast.. curvature of the body.. hairs in the pubic area and armpit.. im eleven and i stand 158 cm tall.. my grandpa has one vice which is the habit of calling me to comb his hair to send him sleep that time its okay because his room his airconditioned unlike our room and at least i could have a good rest.. later i knew he let me stand on the drawer and he an inch standing right infront of me then he say how tall you become time pass very fast now im just a few inches ahead of you.. then i just ignore this statement but it left me a puzzling feeling...

next encounter is the start of one of the major destructions that happened into my life.. he called me again for this "session" later i knew he is fondling my breasts.. my body started to numb and that i cannot breathe.. i cannot move i dont knw wat to say.. my mouth i cant open.. its mixed emotions of anger lust shame fear all at the same time at the moment.. i was like poured by ice cold water and hes trying to flame me up.. and he say im doing this for ur benefit.. later in your life you will see.. then he told me not to tel it to anyone.. i know its wrong but im fearful of the result if i wil speak a word about it.. the complications.. the problem it wil create....

then my dealings with him change.. i curse him each and every single day.. i tried to tell my cousins in a caution that hes a bad guy and never be alone with him.. then everyone in the "family" scolded me for my actions they say im misbehaving and im disrespectful.. that scene repeatedly happen when we are alone in the house because my mom goes to work and she takes my bro w her and my grandma goes to town for grocery or salon.. i tried to escape from him.. how i wil lock the door of the room but sometimes i got to pee.. he watched me closely then i have no where to go. he wil hug me tight and carry me.. then he wil go second base...

sometimes this happens also when "family" members all left in the morning and i was still asleep.. he wil enter my room and the next thing i know he put my shirt up and is caressing my breast or sucking it then i awaken.. i was very nervous but at that time i swear that event wil be hidden for life because of the tragedy it could bring...

but no matter how i hide it truth always comes out.. it happened when my cousin spend his summer vacation with us in the province and he noticed awkward things.. im twelve and he is 14.. one time he caught me doing laundry and my "grandpa" continously going hir and there towards me.. he was drunk and i dont know what hes thinking that time.. then my grandma comes along he go to his room.. and my cousin told me beware of him... and i replied in innocence over my dead body.... late for me to know that my cousin told his mom about it. his mom happened to be the sister of my mom.. and all of the revelations happened during my eighteenth birthday of which the second chapter wil continue....